The Reluctant Dreamer

As I examine my life, I always seem to find some reluctance to the things I dream.  Either it is just an excuse for me to not do it, or a mental block that is hindering me from achieving my goals.

I am reluctant.  I am afraid of what people may say.  I’m not very comfortable with success.  Ironic to say, but sometimes, I feel more comfortable with silence, with soulful thinking, than on extreme emotions like an exhilirating surge of  adrenaline rush.  I have never been fond of roller coasters.  Perhaps I just want to slow down.  Take my time.  Have a nice cup of coffee.  And enjoy the day.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately on what to do with this blog.  It’s been a year since I registered   A few weeks ago, I had to renew the domain.  To be honest, I thought I might not want to renew it anymore.  Maybe I’ll just do something else.  Something more worthwhile.  Something I am fond of doing.

But maybe, I already am.  I just need to channel that energy.  Find an inspiration.  Start.

In all honesty, I really don’t know what to do with this site.  I began writing sports stories but found it very time consuming.  I have to watch the sporting event itself which can take around 2 or 3 hours of my time.  Although I did want to watch anyway.  But I wanted something more.  Then, I tried to post something related to music like American Idol because I thought I liked music.  And I do.  I even sang a couple or two and posted it.  Maybe I just want some part of me be heard and tell the world I exist.

But another part of me still long to be unknown, to be an observer, to be invisible.

Maybe that’s why I am reluctant to be successful.  Because then I’d have to give up my private life.  Maybe I don’t want that.  Maybe there’s something else in life more important than being popular.  Like doing the things I love.  But how do I know I love it?

I’ve been coasting along for a while, never really figuring out what I want to do with my life.  Yes, I want to build a business. Maybe something I can do that will express my gifts and talents…and perhaps contribute to the world. To make it a better place.

Maybe I’m just bored.  I don’t know. There are many things in this world I’d like to do.  But it’s easier to just let things be and not disturb the status quo.  Pretend everything is ok,  when it’s not.  Life is screaming for something more, a life filled with passion, a life full of purpose.  The more I reflect on things I don’t have, the more I feel depressed, the more I think that I want to quit, the more life feels like a burden.  It’s scary.  It’s challenging.  I’m craving for an exciting new adventure.

What’s next?  What can I offer?  What can I do to make life fulfilling for me and other people?